Obsessins Of A Passive Aggressive

      Learning about being a Passive Aggressor has been an educational experience to say the least. I always viewed myself as someone who was a take control kinda guy. Someone who could give it to you straight. Someone who you wouldn't want to make angry. Man, was I sadly mistaken. Well, I guess on the bright side of being passive is that I never really got mad at myself. I never had to worry about yelling at myself in public. There I go again, being passive about my passivity. That's it, I am so mad at myself I am not going to talk to me for a few days. That should work.

     How did it take me 30 years to come to this conclusion? Have I been that blind to my own thought process to completely miss this for all these years? Looking back on my life I am beginning to understand how having this disorder influenced my decision making. If I would have taken a step back years ago, maybe things would be different for me. Maybe I would not of pushed aside my wife and treated her like garbage. Maybe the relationships that I formed would be totally different. Maybe the people who like me now, would think that I was a jerk if circumstances were different.

    Having passive aggression control your life is like being extremely hungry while the whole time there is a plate of your favorite food in front of you. Being the passive person you are, you refuse to eat the food because you don't like the color of the plate it was served on. Instead of getting mad or upset, you make an excuse and say you are not hungry. You walk away from the table starving, stubborn and confused. You know you want to eat, but you can't express why you don't want to. You are afraid that if you express your dislike for the color of the plate, you will be rejected and dismissed for being ridiculous. Then someone asks why you don't want to eat. You use a safe calculated answer, "I'm not hungry". Now the turmoil on the inside is really starting to fester. By this time you are starving, you have a feeling of discontent, afraid to express your feelings on the matter and all the time you are suppressing that emotion. So now the sarcasm begins. You begin to use it in an indirect manner for destructive purposes. If that does not work, well then the silent treatment for the person who served the food. That will fix them. From that point on it begins the short one word answers for the innocent questions that come up. And so goes the cycle. For someone who has never experienced this, it's hard to understand.

    All this because a person with passive aggressive tendencies has a hard time dealing with and expressing their emotions. We do everything we can to avoid conflict. But in the end, the conflict is just way out of control, and it would even be hard for a sane person to deal with it at this point.

    For now, I am having a hard time looking back at all of my experiences where I caused people great pain because of my actions. I now understand what I was going through and how my mind was processing things. I wish this revelation would have come 5 or 6 years ago, it may have given me the tools to maintain a healthy marriage. Now, I am afraid it is too late. The damage has been done and I am to blame for it. I hope that there is some good that comes from all this.

     I can only speculate on the things that would be different if I were different. But one thing I am beginning to realize is that the past is done. I can never change that. What I do have is a future that I can work with. I can only pray that I did not cause too much damage with my mind and emotions that can't be fixed with love and support.


   DAMMIT, I AM MAD AS HELL, now just mostly at myself. But it's a start.